Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
her dad gauges his nipple piercings.
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
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