he puts the penis in happiness.
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
protesters in toronto definately have the best pot
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
Randomize
