I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
Is it bad to use cherry nyquil as substitute for grenadine? Because i just went there.
Nah, totally cool. It already has the alcohol in it.
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
You ruined the universe
Randomize
