I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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