im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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