I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
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