This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
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