She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
you didnt know i had herpes?
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
Randomize
