Ha. Yes. I'm at a strip club. I'm the barack obama of strip clubs
Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
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