my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
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