I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
Randomize
