Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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