Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
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