you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
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