Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
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GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
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It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
Randomize