Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
Randomize
