its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
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