if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
the vast amounts of cleavage i'm sporting to my final says "no, I didn't study but don't worry I've got something lined up for when I don't graduate".
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
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