Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
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