i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
It's shark week go big or go home
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
Randomize
