And now I'm afraid that I'm a pornographic eater.
hey in girl talk does "want to come over tonight and have some beers with me?" mean i want wiener?
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Randomize
