You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
Life is so much better after having sex.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
she has double-d's AND she knows what level Pidgeot evolves. don't tell me she's not a keeper
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Randomize
