you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
So is chris hansen cool in person? Or is it just awkward while you wait for the cops?
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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