so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
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