You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
I just hope when I turn 21, it doesn't tank my entire semester.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
