Sober January is a disaster.
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
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she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
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Can you repeat that, but with context?
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize