My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
Randomize
