when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
i now know from two sources i am better at making out and giving head than she is. and not by a little either.
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
Randomize
