Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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