hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
