I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
I even made an effort to dress like a conservative young lady who doesnt black out and throw up in her bed regularly today.
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Randomize
