tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
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