I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Randomize
