I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
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