you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
Randomize
