Even water is tasting like jack daniels
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
So many stories. To uyou are sober. I heart you though. Jesus. Dirrty dancing jusyt came oine!!no. Lie.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
Randomize
