I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
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