Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
