There is no way he is gay with that hair.
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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