I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
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