Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
Randomize
