he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
Randomize
