i was rollin on her like bob the builder
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
