I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
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