I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
want to meet me after class and possibly get arrested for indecent exposure?
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
Randomize
