It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
I'm getting the same feeling waiting for the web-page to load that has my final grades that I get when I take a pregnancy test. I think I'm gonna leave my computer for 3 minutes.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
Never joke about your clitoris.
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Randomize
