My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
Randomize
