Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
Randomize
