I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
It's offcial there's a Bobby Light radio station on pandora.
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
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