first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
please don't ironically join a cult
Randomize
