im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
Randomize
