I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
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