Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
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