I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
jump out the window naked night went bad
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