im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
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