So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
we have officially mastered the walk of shame
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
I won't apologize to a one balled man
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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