Good. You are like the clit whisperer.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
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