I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
Randomize
