she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
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