You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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